My Lover's Gone
by LiLy-saLvatore-cuLLen
Summary: Halloween, 1981: Lily spends the last few minutes of her life thinking about none-other than her James. Written for the 30th Anniversary of the Death of Lily and James Potter. Halloween 2011.


_**My lover's gone…**_

Lily sat at the top of the stairs clutching baby Harry to her bosom, hand pressed to the back of his head to keep him from seeing what was happening in the parlor below. Lily watched with emerald eyes pouring tears, not daring to blink. She wanted to look away of course. What she was seeing was too awful, too horrible... But she _had to watch._ Her _James_ was down there, fending off Voldemort for _just enough time_ so she and Harry could escape. But she wouldn't leave him. Not ever.

"_Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! I'll try to hold him off… just go!"_

The pain in James' eyes as he pressed their son into Lily's arms and pushed her towards the stairs had been almost too much for Lily to fathom. James' hazel eyes had widened, the twinkling smile, caramel warmth she had fallen in love with had evaporated into fear for the woman and little boy he loved so dearly. Lily knew James would do anything, even if it meant forfeiting his own life, to keep Voldemort from getting to them. _He loved her that much. Had always loved her that much._

Harry pulled gently on the hair at the nape of Lily's neck. The infant was oblivious to what was going on around him, and for that, Lily was relieved. She hugged Harry tight to her as she watched Voldemort lift his wand.

_Please… no…!_

She knew what was coming.

_James…!_

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" the serpentine, icy high voice screeched.

Green light burst from the wand, unstoppable in its deadly path towards James Potter's chest.

Lily still couldn't close her eyes. The evergreen orbs followed the fatal light as it made its way towards her lover.

Events seemed to freeze-frame in time very slowly.

The light hit James square on his heart.

James glanced up the stairs, seeking eye contact with Lily. Seeking the eyes that had first drawn him to her.

Lily refused to blink as she gifted him with that last sight.

The eye contact between them said everything that would ever need to be said. Everything.

_I love you. You complete me. I am not myself unless you are with me. Forever._

James gave her a small smile.

Lily shook her head, eyes overflowing with salty tears.

The fire left James' eyes as he fell to the ground.

Lily screamed.

_May 3, 1980_

_**His boots no longer by my door…  
>He left at dawn…<strong>_

It had been two weeks.

Lily sat on the window seat in her and James' bedroom, watching the raindrops trail themselves down the window slowly. So much like the tears that had left her eyes 14 days ago when she awoke that morning.

_Lily's eyes fluttered open, a small smile gracing her lips as the first sunlight she had seen all spring streamed through her window. The golden rays spilled out onto the bed she and James shared. Lily stretched her arms above her head, the sheet drifting down to her waist revealing her naked torso. Lily and James had never gone a night without making love, even when Lily revealed that she was pregnant._

_Her hand reached to her side to stroke James' chest and wake him._

_It was met with cold, wrinkled sheets._

_No sign of the warm body she was so accustomed to waking up next to._

_Lily quickly sat up, hand on her slightly swollen belly, and turned to face James' side of the bed._

_He wasn't there._

"_James?"_

_Lily climbed out of bed, donning a robe and quickly tying it shut around her waist._

_Her bare feet padded across the wooden floorboards into the hall and down the stairs._

"_James? Love?"_

_He wasn't in the parlor, the sitting room, or the kitchen._

_Lily glanced into the mudroom._

_James' Auror boots were gone._

_She sank to her knees, one hand still on her belly, the other clutching the rug and balling it in her fist._

_James was on an Auror mission. One that he was instructed not to tell Lily about. She should have seen this coming, he had not been himself the past few days. That was why he had kissed her whenever he had the chance, held her hand, grazed her cheek… touching her in any way possible. This had happened once before. It was for James' and Lily's protection (and sanity) that she not know where he was or what he was doing. Before Lily was with child, she had had to do a similar mission. It killed her not to tell James, but they had to make sacrifices being in the Order. If it was for everyone's safety, it would not be revealed where anyone went. That way, if Lily had been tortured or given Veritaserum to reveal James' whereabouts, or the other way around, then truthfully, they would not be able to answer._

_Lily hated it. She hated the War, she hated not knowing where James was. She hated Dumbledore for sending him on these missions when he _knew_ she was pregnant. She hated Sirius for being the one to accompany James on these missions when it should be _her…_ She hated James for leaving her behind with their child growing inside of her. _

_Tears of hatred, fear, sorrow and helplessness left Lily's eyes. She curled up on the mudroom rug, bawling. Crying for her child that could be born fatherless, crying for the life she and James had been cheated from because of the War… crying, crying, crying…_

Lily's hand rubbed her belly affectionately.

"Daddy will be home soon, Little One. I promise."

She told this not only to comfort her child, but to comfort herself as well. Two weeks was abnormal for the length of a mission. However, no one had contacted her or come to inform her of anything that may have happened to James. As far as she knew, he was still alive.

_Still alive._

As long as he was still alive, she could go on. She could make it. She could live.

Lily refused to move the entire day.

The day melted into the afternoon.

The afternoon merged into the evening.

The evening bled into the darkening night.

She fell asleep, head against the cool window, hand protectively clutching her stomach.

This was how James found her.

He opened the door quietly, slipping his Auror boots off, placing his travel knapsack on the ground and removing his soaked jacket. He pushed his damp hair out of his eyes, which then fell on the woman that was always haunting his mind: Lily.

His heart clenched in his chest as he realized what she had been doing.

She probably sat their daily for the two weeks he was gone, waiting.

Waiting.

His eyes traveled down her body and rested on the bump of her belly. His heart broke.

His child was in there.

He was lucky to have returned. His child still had a father. For now.

James made his way across the room and knelt to pick Lily up, bridal style, to bed.

Lily made a sound in her throat, squeezed her eyes shut and moved her head back and forth a bit as James lifted her and settled her close to his chest.

He leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss to Lily's cool forehead. Her eyes tentatively opened.

"James… I… I guess I fell asleep by the… by the window. I was waiting for…"

Lily seemed to fall out of her sleepy stupor. Her eyes widened and raked down James' body, her hands raising to touch his face, and run down his chest.

"_James."_

The hand at the back of his head dragged him roughly forward to Lily's waiting lips. But he was prepared as well.

Their mouths met with an angry passion, wasting no time in letting their tongues get reacquainted. Lily's fingers pulled painfully on James' hair as he made his way to the loveseat and sat down, Lily still across his lap. His hand grasped her lower back, seeking the opening at the bottom so he could feel her skin on his. Lily knew what he was after and stopped their kiss to pull her shirt over her head. She then put her hands on the bottom of James' shirt and pulled his off too. James' hand snuck around back to unclip Lily's bra, and then push in between her shoulder blades so their skin could meet. Lily's breasts pressed into James' pecs as James once again captured Lily's lips with his own.

James tilted his head to gain more access to Lily as her hands ravaged his obliques. James' arms wrapped securely and protectively around his wife pressing her ever closer to him. Lily's hands made their way up to James' face and grabbed the sides to bring their lips impossibly closer. It didn't matter that they were oxygen deprived. It didn't matter that James' hands were freezing. It didn't matter that Lily's tears were finding their way into both their mouths. All that mattered was that they were together again. They were both alive.

The kiss calmed down after a long while. Soon, it was just passionate pecks, and finally dwindled down to occasional stolen kisses. They remained entwined, keeping as much contact amongst their bodies as possible as if they were trying to make up for the time missed.

Their foreheads remained together, eyes shut, just feeling.

James opened his eyes first and placed a kiss on Lily's lips.

He was also the first to break the silence that had prevailed since he returned.

"I missed you, Love."

Lily opened her eyes and was met with James' fierce gaze. She pulled his lips to hers.

"I love you, James. Never leave me again."

"Alright."

They both knew this was impossible, a lie. But this moment would not be ruined with reality.

Their eyes refused to leave each other's gaze. Their foreheads were together again. Lily's hands were linked behind James' neck. One of James' arms remained curled around her waist.

James' other hand made its way down to Lily's belly. He splayed his fingers across it, and rubbed gently. Lily closed her eyes and sighed contently. James took his forehead away to bring his gaze to where his hand rested. His thumb moved back and forth as he lovingly swept his eyes across the bump. Lily watched her husband as he brought his mouth down and placed three open-mouthed kisses on her belly, then one simple one right in the middle.

"I love you." He whispered to her belly.

Lily's heart melted.

James looked up once again at his wife.

"And I love _you._ So much, Lily. So much."

"I love you, too, James."

James brought their mouths together once more.

_November 24, 1979_

…_**and as I slept I felt him go.  
>Returns no more.<br>I will not watch the ocean…**_

She was asleep. Fast asleep.

James knew that when Lily was asleep, she was out. Nothing would wake her.

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss in between her shoulder blades. He slowly crept out of the bed they shared and began to search for his clothes. He had been debriefed on a mission a couple of days ago. He was not allowed to tell Lily where he would be or what he was doing. It destroyed him inside keeping these details from his wife.

He found his boxers and slipped them on.

His gaze returned to his naked wife on the bed, curled under the covers. She was facing away from him, but he knew that her face was relaxed, serene and comforted. The only time she wasn't stressed was when she was asleep.

There were his pants. He donned them and buckled the belt as he looked around for his shirt. It was hanging on the lamp. A small smile graced his lips as he remembered the events of the evening.

_It had started with a dinner Lily had attempted to make. She had never done it before and it had been an utter disaster. She had wanted to make it the Muggle way, despite James insisting that she fix it with magic._

_The noodles were overcooked and dried out, the sauce was, well, not sauce anymore, but charred, burnt, rubbery slabs, the vegetables weren't cooked enough and were cold, so the butter didn't melt, just stayed in its shape and sat on top. The bread was burnt on the bottom and doughy on the top._

_But Merlin, if it wasn't the best meal he had ever eaten because _Lily_ had made it _without magic_._

_They had been sitting by the fire on the sofa, Lily reading a book, leaning against James' chest, and James reading the newspaper and fiddling with her hair when she had done that _thing_ that always turned James on. It wasn't a major _thing_, and he doubted she even noticed she did that _thing_. But it had always captured his attention, no matter what he was doing._

_That _thing_ was Lily tucking her lips into her mouth, making them moist again, and then letting them slowly pucker out again. That was it. That was _it_._

_But she had just done that _thing_ and now James could give Merlin's third nipple whether or not the Prime Minister of England was going to intervene in the religious wars in Ireland. He could give a sodding poo on toast if Scotland was making claims to some relics in the London Museum. Lily did that _thing_._

_James put his newspaper down gently. Lily looked up at him curiously when she heard the ruffling of the paper._

"_James?"_

"_Lily."_

_She gave him a small smile and returned to her book._

_But he was having none of that. His hands crept around her waist, fingers creeping under her shirt to splay across her belly. Lily stiffened._

"_James…" warning._

"_Lily." Smug._

"_I'm trying to read this book. I can't do that when your hands are making their way towards my… JAMES!"_

_His hands had cupped over her breasts and squeezed gently._

_Lily looked up at him and tried her best, she really did, to glare. But James had that crooked smile and was massaging her breasts… and oh sod it all._

_One thing lead to another, clothes were strewn about the room as James carried Lily to their bedroom and kicked the door shut with his foot._

James finished buttoning his shirt. If that was the last memory of Lily he would have, he would die a happy man.

He opened the closet and brought out his knapsack that was always readily prepared for any mission. He grabbed his wand from the bedside table and quietly opened the door and snuck out.

He put his gear by the door and went into the mudroom to get his Auror boots. They were specially charmed boots to be silent, waterproof, heat-containing, snug, and resistant to wearing through.

He exited the mudroom and was about to grab his coat off a kitchen chair, when he sensed it.

Someone was watching him.

He froze and looked around warily.

"Where do you think you are going at this time of night, James Potter." It wasn't a question. It was a demand for an answer.

Lily had woken up.

She was wearing one of his old Quidditch shirts and a pair of his boxers. Her hair was mussed, she had no make-up on, and her eyes were sleepy.

She had never looked more beautiful to James.

"Lily… I…er… I can't tell you."

"What do you mean you can't tell me?"

"You _know_ I can't tell you."

Lily's mouth opened and closed a couple of times, and then realization settled in.

"No. _No. NO NO NO! _Not another mission! You just came back! No, James. No. You aren't leaving me _again._ You send Dumbledore a Patronus _right now_ and you tell him that…"

"Lily."

"What?"

"I have to go."

Lily stood there for a couple of seconds, doing nothing. James watched her carefully.

Tears filled Lily's eyes and she wiped them away viciously. Her glare met James' eyes.

She strode over to him and slapped him across the face.

"You are NOT leaving me!"

James' head had snapped to the side with the impact of Lily's hand. He brought his hand up and tentatively touched his abused cheek.

"Lily, I don't have any…"

She slapped him across the other cheek.

James didn't react. He didn't say anything.

"You can't leave! Don't leave me, James! Please, don't leave. I love you! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"

James said nothing. He didn't look at her.

Lily stomped up to him again and shoved him into the wall. The back of James' skull cracked against the wall.

_That's going to leave a bruise._

Lily was repeatedly shoving him against the wall, slapping him, thudding her fists on his chest and screaming incoherently at him, tears streaming down her face.

And he let her continue.

"I HATE YOU! I HATE THIS WAR! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! I HATE YOU, JAMES FUCKING POTTER!"

He knew she didn't hate him.

Her fists slammed against his chest over and over again.

"LOOK AT ME YOU GIT! LOOK AT ME!"

He refused to look at her. Tears pricked his eyes at seeing her like this. At knowing that _he _was the reason she was acting like this. She loved him. Otherwise she wouldn't be doing this.

"JAMES RYAN POTTER, YOU LOOK AT ME!"

He kept his gaze above her head. One tear made its way down his cheek. He didn't do anything to stop Lily's abuse.

This only enraged her more.

Her hands came up and grabbed the sides of his face and brought his mouth down to hers.

This made James respond.

His arms curled around her waist roughly, and her hands delved into his incurable raven locks. She was biting, nipping, sucking, and he was opening, clamping and diving. Lily jumped up and wrapped her legs around James' waist and he turned them around and slammed her against the wall where he had just been.

The kiss was not reassuring. It was violent, animalistic, dominating. Neither backed down. Lily was looking for a response. _I won't leave you._ James was trying to get a message across. _I have to go._

This thought entered James' mind and he abruptly ended the kiss and pushed Lily into the wall. His hands were pressing painfully into her shoulders as he held her there, and glared at her. His eyes softened a bit.

"I love you."

Lily's eyes overflowed once more.

He turned around and grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder.

Suddenly he was pushed into the door, the side of his face colliding with the polished oak finish.

"LILY! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!"

"DON'T LEAVE ME JAMES POTTER!"

"I HAVE TO GO! I HAVE TO DO THIS! THIS IS ALL FOR YOU LILY, DO YOU THINK THAT IF I HAD THE CHOICE I WOULD LEAVE?"

Lily sank to her knees. Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Please. James, don't leave me. I can't… what if… I love you… Please…"

James knelt down beside her and roughly pulled her into a death grip hug. They clung to each other with iron arms, refusing to let go. James grabbed her chin and pressed his lips to hers and looked her in the eye.

"I _will come back._ I could _never_ leave you behind. Ever. I love you too gods-damned much."

"James… please don't go…"

"I have to."

And with that, he got up again, and put his hand on the door knob and turned it.

"I _REFUSE_ TO BE A WIDOWED MOTHER, JAMES! YOU _HAVE TO BE HERE_ TO RAISE OUR CHILD!"

James froze and his heart stopped.

He turned around painstakingly slow.

"What did you just say?"

"I won't raise this child by myself! He _will _have a father! That's why you have to stay with me! You _can't_ go now!"

James gulped a few times and dropped his bag. He strode over to Lily and grasped her arms.

"What are you telling me, Lily? What are you saying?"

"I'm pregnant, James. You're going to be a father." Lily whispered.

"_What?"_

James walked over to the wall and leaned his forehead against it. He punched the wall abruptly. Lily winced at the sound.

She approached James slowly. He was breathing heavily and trying to calm himself down.

Lily placed her hand on his back.

"I know… I know that we talked… I know that we didn't want to bring a child into this world with what's going on. I'm sorry, James. I couldn't… I couldn't help it… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… It's my fault…"

James turned around and fixed Lily with an incredulous stare.

"What are you saying? Why are you sorry?"

"I shouldn't have gotten pregnant, James…"

James crushed her into a hug.

"Lily Potter. Don't you _ever_ apologize for something like this _ever again._ It's not your fault. There isn't even any fault to be had. Don't be sorry. I know we talked. I know this isn't the best timing, but damn it Lily, you've made me the happiest man alive."

"…Wait… wh-what?"

James took her chin and pressed his mouth to hers. Lily's arms snaked around his neck as his curled around her waist to bring her body to his. His tongue begged for entrance and Lily granted it.

James tore his mouth away but pressed his forehead to Lily's.

"You have no idea how happy I am right now, Lily. I love you. I love you so much."

Lily began to sob, and she pressed her face into the crook of James' neck.

"I'm sorry. I love you, James, I love you, I love you… and our baby… James… you're not mad?"

"I could never be mad. Lily, this baby, our child, _our child…_ I have something else to fight for now. I was fighting this war for you, Lily. And now… I'm fighting this for you, for our child, and to make the world better to live in for _both _of you. Lily… I love you, and I love the child you're bearing. _Never_ doubt that. I'm not mad… I'm sorry for how I reacted. I was scared. I couldn't believe it…"

Lily's hands gently grabbed James' cheeks and kissed him chastely but passionately.

"Come back to me, James. Come back to _us._"

"I promise."

_**My lover's gone…**_

He wasn't gone on an Auror mission this time.

He wouldn't be coming back.

He was gone.

There was no promise he could have made to Lily.

At least, no promise where it was in his power to actually keep it.

_**No earthly ships will ever bring him home again.  
>Bring him home again…<strong>_

_**My lover's gone.**_

_October 31, 1981_

_**I know that kiss will be my last.  
>No more his song.<br>The tune upon his lips has passed. **_

"This is Harry's second Halloween. But I think he might be more apt to remember it this time around, yeah? He was barely 3 months old last Halloween."

"If the pictures we took don't remind him of it, then I don't know what will."

James was sitting on the couch bouncing a 1-year-old Harry on his knees. They had just taken him out of his pumpkin costume and had him in his nappies and onesie to go to bed.

Lily brought a bowl of candy-corn and peanuts over to the table and sat down next to James.

Harry yawned as Lily stroked his cheek with her finger.

James brought Harry to his chest and slowly began to rock him. He started to hum, and then sing.

_If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied_

_Illuminate the "No's" on their vacancy signs_

James looked up at Lily as he sang the last two verses.

_If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks_

_Then I'll follow you into the dark._

Harry was asleep. James and Lily continued to look at each other. Lily smiled, then leaned in and kissed James on the lips. James' left arm came around to encircle Lily's shoulders as his right arm kept Harry cradled. Lily's left hand reached up to cup James' cheek as the kiss continued.

_**I sing alone…  
>While I watch the ocean…<br>My lover's gone.  
>No earthly ships will ever bring him home again.<br>Bring him home again.**_

Voldemort placed his wand and hands into his sleeves once more and looked up at Lily.

Lily's eyes widened with fear as her gaze switched between James' body and Voldemort's molten red eyes.

Without thinking, she got up, tucked Harry to her as close as possible and ran up the remaining stairs into Harry's nursery, slamming the door shut behind her.

It wouldn't be long before Voldemort made his way up.

James had died for nothing. He had specifically told Lily to take their son and go, and that he would hold them off…

He had meant for her to survive.

She had failed him.

She wouldn't make it out of this.

But _hell_ if Harry wouldn't make it.

This way, she and James dying would be for _something._ Some_one._

Lily hugged Harry to her and began to rock him once more. Tears fogged her vision.

Harry looked so much like his father.

Through her tears he almost appeared to be James.

Lily looked out the window. She could see her reflection in the window. Tears began again, and her reflection morphed into James' face smiling back at her.

Lily couldn't help but smile. She hiccupped a bit, cleared her throat and sang:

_If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks_

_Then I'll follow you into the dark._

_I'll follow you into the dark._

Harry hugged Lily's neck and snuggled his face into the crook where her neck became her shoulder. He was drooling a little bit, but Lily didn't care. She pressed a kiss to his head through his unruly hair.

"I love you so much, Harry James."

"Mahm."

Harry's little fist reached up and clutched a chunk of hair that had escaped out of Lily's ponytail. Lily pressed her cheek to Harry's head and waited.

It wouldn't be long now.

Harry's nursery door blasted open. Lily tucked Harry into her to shield him from debris. A few wooden splinters of the door flew towards Lily and cut her cheek.

Lily looked to the window again, hoping to see James' face looking back at her. It would give her some hope.

But the reflection she saw was not James.

The reflection she saw was the pale, serpentine, rouge-eyed face of death itself.

Lily reached over to place Harry in his crib.

She put herself in front of the crib, her son safely behind her, and faced the _creature_ that had killed her husband.

She was ready.

"Step aside, you silly girl."

_Fin._


End file.
